What I encounter as a Brown Nurse

I have recently started respecting myself and giving a pat on my back myself for what I have accomplished as an immigrant here in The United States. There are lots of aww moment in my Nursing carrier that made me feel that I made a right decision to be a nurse and serve here. I had great co-workers and leaders whom I worked with. I might not have been so successful in my nursing carrier if had not worked with my first nurse manager at Mercy Hospital, Ardmore, Oklahoma. She was always an inspiration to me and a great mentor. I always wished all my manager were like her, but I do not live in a fairy tale. This is a real life and both positivity and negativity exist in this world. I did work with some coworkers who just saw me as a nurse and a person, they never saw my color, they never noticed my accent and the list goes on. Despite the great moments during my nursing carrier, I also had lots of unforgettable gloomy moments that made me stronger and more robust in my views.

I went to one of the finest schools for my nursing degree, I always wished if there was more cultural diversity in our class. I was one of the handful who was international, or who looked like me. I always wondered why I only had three or four friends during my entire undergraduate college. Believe or not out of those three two of them were born and raised outside of the States. I believe I talked with handful of students in that class. Now I wonder why we were not involved in anything that happened in that class. Why I had such a hard time even to start conversation with them. I always felt inferior in front of them. Today when I retrospect, I realize why we two were left out in that college was not only because of our skin color and race but also due to our socio-economic status, culture, religion, language, and nationality. We did not grow up watching Batman, Home Alone, Star Wars, friends, and the Office. When my classmates used to be so excited about the Christmas break and plans about Thanksgiving break, I spent my time in a lonely dorm learning about Christmas and Thanksgiving. I wished if I could get a day off during Dashain and Tihar instead of Christmas or Thanksgiving but who would change the college policy for one person. Wished I had learnt I would be able to take days off without getting penalty if I had disclosed as religious reason. When my classmates planned summer break at beach or international travel or vacation with family. I was planning where to embark my personal stuffs since we must leave the dorm during summer. I would load my 1996 Corolla and start the car without knowing where I was going to crash that night. After summer break I always had hard time going back to school. Every fall, I will unload my car by myself, move everything to that third floor I still ask myself why all my dorm was on third floor. On the other hand, most of the students had their families seeing them off, helping them to settle in a dorm. During those times I missed my family so much and asked myself “What am I doing here, what is the point of this.” I cried alone; of course, long-distance relationship was not helpful at all.

I have very few positive experiences except I had with Adiza and Library. Hold on I had more than that, couple of parties I had with other Nepali speaking students. I was a Mentor for International students, I was President for Nepalese Student Organization at UVA. Today, I reflect and ask myself why all my involvement incorporated only international students or minor students in school. I learned how to cook Thai food, Indian food, Chinese food at so on but I never learned how to cook American food. We were always left out in that class which consisted 90+ students. Our last week before graduation, students went to Myrtle beach, a graduation culture at UVA, but I was just ready to graduate and leave the college as soon as possible.

By the time I graduated, I was already married to love of my life. I was complete with him by my side. I started feeling included, I started feeling respected for what I have accomplished. But I was not aware of the reality. I faced the truth of being minor or colored person after I started working as a Nurse. Experience as a Student nurse was different, I just felt I was not included but I was never abused or any targeted racism.

I picked up lots of hours and night shifts. One day, around 1:00 AM, alarm went off on one of the medical equipment, so I went to the patient’s room whom I was not assigned to take care.  She was in a deep sleep, I decided to turn the phone’s flashlight so that I could trouble shoot the machine without turning bright light and disturbing her sleep. Then I realized that she was already awake because of the alarm. After she saw me with a flashlight, she told me that I could turn the light on. I turned the light on, as soon as I turned the light on, she responded “What the heck you are doing here”. I responded her back that I was there to stop the alarm. She got irritated since it took little longer than expected and commented with “You Mexican get out of my room and go back to your country.” She did not see any of my nice behaviors, only thing she saw was my color. I felt bad for her and answered myself “Smita imagine what her life is like if her behavior is like this with someone like you.” I felt bad for her thinking that every brown person is from Mexico and that brown persons are inherently bad.

Another story I would like to share. After taking care of an acutely ill patient for 5 days, I was ready to discharge him. I was so happy for him and the family that he was finally going back home. I printed out all the discharge paperwork. Got medication planner, got educational materials so that he could manage his Diabetes easily. His response to me during his stay was different from other nurses and I gave benefit of doubt that he is sick and stressed out. But I was wrong when he commented, “Can you please speak in English, I do not understand your language.” I was in shock, I was speaking the same language, English, for last 5 days with him. I was speaking the same language when I was cleaning him up when he was not even able to get up and walk to the bathroom. He understood everything what I said when he was ill. Now he is stronger and better and all sudden I have an accent that even does not sound English and he cannot understand me.

When I was asked if I was Indian, Mexican or some other nationalities by patients and co-workers, I feel offended every time. If you do not know the person, then you do not know where they are from just looking at their skin and their physical structure. Hence please just ask where that person is from instead of making assumptions about Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Mexican and or any other countries with brown people. I am so happy to say I am from Nepal rather than, explaining why I am not from the country they assumed. Other side of the story is why a patient needs to know where I came from, when I am giving a best patient care they have ever got. Do not take me wrong, I have taken care of patients who genuinely asked me where I was from, but majority of the patients ask because of my color. Most of those questions comes with attitude of “why the heck are you in OUR country”. The questions do not end there, they continue to ask me questions like “do you not like your country? When are you going back?” They are not aware that I left my birthplace 15 years ago when I was 18. I am a US citizen now and this is my country, I belong here but I am not still accepted by public. No matter what my citizenship status is I am never seen as a US citizen without proving myself by explaining because of my skin color.

Targeted racism not only come from patients, I sadly have to say that sometimes it comes from co-workers, leaders too. One day, I was minding my own business, charting in nursing station. Two of the nurses in station were having conversation. I heard the conversation and shocked with their ignorant sense of humor. One of the nurses asked another one, do you know what 25 MPH means in Crawfordsville, IN? and the nurse explains as this, “That means 25 Mexicans per house”, and followed by big laugh. Then I was asked why I am not laughing at their comment. I responded them back as it’s not appropriate, and I did not want to participate. Then I left the Nursing station. Refusing not to participate was the right thing to do but I should have acted on it too. But I failed to do so.

It was another normal day at work when I arrived at work. I questioned about my patient assignment sensing favoritism. I got harsh comment from him “Smita do not complain. If you do again, I will have to call homeland security and you might get deported.” He did not know that I am an American Citizen and worked hard to be a citizen. But that was not the point if I was American or not, the behavior was not right, and that comment was not right. None of the nurses voiced any concern after that comment or and they did not want to get involved. I was the only brown Nurse in that floor or may be in that whole hospital. I had enough after that comment and I left the job. I should have reported to HR but I was not strong enough to report at that time. I was scared and I ran away from the situation.

Above examples are just some comments and behaviors that I encountered during my school and work. There is so much to change on healthcare provider abuse as a whole and mainly racism towards colored nurses. Often, our ideas are overlooked by leaders but when the same idea comes from the white colleagues, they get recognized for similar idea. We must prove ourselves to patients and our leaders that we are asset to the general population and to the organization whom we work for. Proving once is not enough. We must prove every step during our career and life just because of our color. Struggle goes on. Hope our next generation do not have to struggle for this and face this. Am I asking too much from the society where we are and where we belong to?